Sit. Have some tea...

picture it: i[in my gorgeous loverliness] come down the stairs and wander into the dining room[where the computer is] and decide to sit down to put my new socks on. my mother is about to leave, and when she does, i can get on the computer. again. anyway, i don't sit at the computer. there's a doorway to just about every room in the house, since the house is old and they used to need doors to keep the heat in and what not. so there's a doorway[we have since removed the doors, but the frames and hinges are still there] from the dining room to the hallway/kitchen, and up against the wall, just beside the doorway, nice and out of the way, is a chair. part of the dining room set, sure. we probably put the chair there because we almost never dine on the dining table, but we will store all kinds of crap there, and six chairs just gets in the way.
i sit down to put my socks on. but i don't. instead, i just put the socks in my lap and sit there for a second in the faint, dim blue that has overcome the room since no one has bothered to turn the light on. nobody really does this, i thought. no one sits. and i tried to think of all the things i sit for in the day: to stop standing[which implies that i was doing something else, probably talking to someone], to eat, to write, to go somewhere in a car, to read; but no one ever just sits. we always have to be doing something. which is fine, because if you're not doing something, you'll probably get bored. but in all honesty, you should just try sitting, for like a minute. don't do anything, don't be doing anything, like waiting for something. stuff will come into your head. let it. let it leave, too. just sit.

whoa? craziness!

so they've started to get us to plan and choose our courses for next year, and to help us with this, we've received four-year planner-thingies. i did one of these numbers where you stop thinking by starting to think, and i totally got buried in "what can i take next year, hmm...should i take it junior year instead? " yadda, yadda, yadda. and suddenly i realized: i am planning ahead! this, ladies and gentlemen, is the very definition of "uncharacteristic". i think about the future, of course, but i never sit down and plan anything past next week!
and i wonder (i can already hear you: ""uh-oh, that's never a good thing.") : is this because i've never been able to plan for myself, is it because i was naver made to, or is it because i simply never did?
i see myself changing, growing, as i do this, and i wonder if i like it.

in need of redemption...?

so i'm crying on that last night with nate. i said somewhere [after getting a tissue and seeing in the mirror that i looked like wednesday adams with red hair and mild acne] "i guess i'm not very pretty right now."
nate leanded forward, kissed me, and said that i always looked pretty. hearing that felt good, i won't lie. the part that felt bad, and still feels somewhat like a knife in my spine is that when i said that, [about not being pretty] i knew that he would respond with something along the lines of always being pretty. i knew it; i didn't need to say it and find out.
now, i'm split in two about this: part of me is elated that i can trust him that much, and the other part of me is beyond disgusted with myself. i don't know, i guess i just feel like i...used him? someone told me that[upon my asking if that made me a bad person] if i did that sort of thing all the time, and in situations that weren't as important as this, then yes, it would make me a bad person. but in this, they said that it made me human. it's perfectly human to want attention.
i agree with that last bit, but the other thing that bothers me is this: i don't normally--scratch that i almost NEVER do something like this. but, the one time i do, i'm "human". what was i before? was i trying to be better than human? am i still?

lonlie

tonight i put the first-ever non-rhyming poem on my other blog. i like it, and i have written free-verse before, but i almost think that the two styles don't belong in the same...sphere. they don't have the same feel to me. should i have a different page for free-verse?