gone

i saw monti for the last time last night. i cried. should have known i would.i didn't stop crying until after i fell asleep(something i still don't understand how i did). and t didn't take me long to start crying again this morning. i haven't been up for more than ten minutes yet and i've been crying for at least five.
but i will stop before long. i kinda have to.
at any rate, this entry is the same as the others: not about the big picture, but about one of the smaller details. in this case, it's something monti said.
i'm sitting there on his bed crying while he just kind of holds me, and he says, "and don't think i'm not dying here, too, it's just a touch harder for me to cry." and i realized just how much i am dying. i'm alone. and it sucks. yes, there are friends to talk to, but there's nothing to talk about. he's gone. end of story. yes, there are people who will hold me for hours and hours but would it help? i don't think so. so now it's just me, my pen, and an empty notebook waiting for pain in rhyme.