Merry Christmas, Folks!

so i went to Midnight Mass tonight(thinking,"enh. what the hell?"). fr. mike gave an interesting homily(how i know this is a complete miracle, because between the incense and the fact that i was fucking tired, i was about to fall asleep.) anyway, he talked about needing to be a recipient instead of a giver in order to receive christmas. not exctly the take i've seen before, and it entirely goes against the idea of giving presented by so many christmas stories, such as a chirstmas carol.
part of the whole idea was to be humble, like the christ shild himself. he talked about how humble we all were as infants. and one thing i kept thinking throughout the homily was how much i was starting to be a giver. how much i am starting to pull away from receiving, from my parents. how independant i'm becoming, and how much farther i have to go. a lot of this, shall we say, maturity , doesn't have a lot to do with being able to stand on my own, just with being able to see both sides, being able to contradict them with decent reason. i thought about this as i toyed with my new ring......
so, which are you? giver or recipient?
either way, merry christmas.

What will it take to change your mind?

My best friend had some bad news for me last night: her sister had had a miscarraige the day before. i was stunned. i don't know her sister very well- she's a lot older than the two of us, and when we became friends she was already living with her husband.
However, my friend and i feel the same way about the situation- empathetic, but clueless and almost emotionally void. and sslightly scared.
the fact that i'm scared is odd- i had planned to never have kids and that's changed only very recently. i've been against my own children for varied reasons, most of which are fairly understandable, but slightly childish. and some are in place solely for comical purposes, to make people laugh. but most of those reasons that are kept to myself-and a few that aren't- are, when boiled down, the same thing: i'm scared. i love kids. i babysit all the time. but to have my own children? ha-ha...good one. very funny.
honestly, think about it: weather or not you're raising that kid with someone else, that child, that whole other person will depend entirely on you. the person that child will be after you're gone will be based almost entirely on you. wow. your quirks, your cute little habits...your mistakes....
but lately, i've been thinking, and now i really want to be a mother, fear or no.
but what if you don't make it that far? what if you... say... miscarry? there's nothing you can do about it, and you'd already have failed. what now? try again? lose all hope?
you know what? i still want to be a mom.