Sit. Have some tea...

picture it: i[in my gorgeous loverliness] come down the stairs and wander into the dining room[where the computer is] and decide to sit down to put my new socks on. my mother is about to leave, and when she does, i can get on the computer. again. anyway, i don't sit at the computer. there's a doorway to just about every room in the house, since the house is old and they used to need doors to keep the heat in and what not. so there's a doorway[we have since removed the doors, but the frames and hinges are still there] from the dining room to the hallway/kitchen, and up against the wall, just beside the doorway, nice and out of the way, is a chair. part of the dining room set, sure. we probably put the chair there because we almost never dine on the dining table, but we will store all kinds of crap there, and six chairs just gets in the way.
i sit down to put my socks on. but i don't. instead, i just put the socks in my lap and sit there for a second in the faint, dim blue that has overcome the room since no one has bothered to turn the light on. nobody really does this, i thought. no one sits. and i tried to think of all the things i sit for in the day: to stop standing[which implies that i was doing something else, probably talking to someone], to eat, to write, to go somewhere in a car, to read; but no one ever just sits. we always have to be doing something. which is fine, because if you're not doing something, you'll probably get bored. but in all honesty, you should just try sitting, for like a minute. don't do anything, don't be doing anything, like waiting for something. stuff will come into your head. let it. let it leave, too. just sit.

whoa? craziness!

so they've started to get us to plan and choose our courses for next year, and to help us with this, we've received four-year planner-thingies. i did one of these numbers where you stop thinking by starting to think, and i totally got buried in "what can i take next year, hmm...should i take it junior year instead? " yadda, yadda, yadda. and suddenly i realized: i am planning ahead! this, ladies and gentlemen, is the very definition of "uncharacteristic". i think about the future, of course, but i never sit down and plan anything past next week!
and i wonder (i can already hear you: ""uh-oh, that's never a good thing.") : is this because i've never been able to plan for myself, is it because i was naver made to, or is it because i simply never did?
i see myself changing, growing, as i do this, and i wonder if i like it.

in need of redemption...?

so i'm crying on that last night with nate. i said somewhere [after getting a tissue and seeing in the mirror that i looked like wednesday adams with red hair and mild acne] "i guess i'm not very pretty right now."
nate leanded forward, kissed me, and said that i always looked pretty. hearing that felt good, i won't lie. the part that felt bad, and still feels somewhat like a knife in my spine is that when i said that, [about not being pretty] i knew that he would respond with something along the lines of always being pretty. i knew it; i didn't need to say it and find out.
now, i'm split in two about this: part of me is elated that i can trust him that much, and the other part of me is beyond disgusted with myself. i don't know, i guess i just feel like i...used him? someone told me that[upon my asking if that made me a bad person] if i did that sort of thing all the time, and in situations that weren't as important as this, then yes, it would make me a bad person. but in this, they said that it made me human. it's perfectly human to want attention.
i agree with that last bit, but the other thing that bothers me is this: i don't normally--scratch that i almost NEVER do something like this. but, the one time i do, i'm "human". what was i before? was i trying to be better than human? am i still?

lonlie

tonight i put the first-ever non-rhyming poem on my other blog. i like it, and i have written free-verse before, but i almost think that the two styles don't belong in the same...sphere. they don't have the same feel to me. should i have a different page for free-verse?

gone

i saw monti for the last time last night. i cried. should have known i would.i didn't stop crying until after i fell asleep(something i still don't understand how i did). and t didn't take me long to start crying again this morning. i haven't been up for more than ten minutes yet and i've been crying for at least five.
but i will stop before long. i kinda have to.
at any rate, this entry is the same as the others: not about the big picture, but about one of the smaller details. in this case, it's something monti said.
i'm sitting there on his bed crying while he just kind of holds me, and he says, "and don't think i'm not dying here, too, it's just a touch harder for me to cry." and i realized just how much i am dying. i'm alone. and it sucks. yes, there are friends to talk to, but there's nothing to talk about. he's gone. end of story. yes, there are people who will hold me for hours and hours but would it help? i don't think so. so now it's just me, my pen, and an empty notebook waiting for pain in rhyme.

Merry Christmas, Folks!

so i went to Midnight Mass tonight(thinking,"enh. what the hell?"). fr. mike gave an interesting homily(how i know this is a complete miracle, because between the incense and the fact that i was fucking tired, i was about to fall asleep.) anyway, he talked about needing to be a recipient instead of a giver in order to receive christmas. not exctly the take i've seen before, and it entirely goes against the idea of giving presented by so many christmas stories, such as a chirstmas carol.
part of the whole idea was to be humble, like the christ shild himself. he talked about how humble we all were as infants. and one thing i kept thinking throughout the homily was how much i was starting to be a giver. how much i am starting to pull away from receiving, from my parents. how independant i'm becoming, and how much farther i have to go. a lot of this, shall we say, maturity , doesn't have a lot to do with being able to stand on my own, just with being able to see both sides, being able to contradict them with decent reason. i thought about this as i toyed with my new ring......
so, which are you? giver or recipient?
either way, merry christmas.

What will it take to change your mind?

My best friend had some bad news for me last night: her sister had had a miscarraige the day before. i was stunned. i don't know her sister very well- she's a lot older than the two of us, and when we became friends she was already living with her husband.
However, my friend and i feel the same way about the situation- empathetic, but clueless and almost emotionally void. and sslightly scared.
the fact that i'm scared is odd- i had planned to never have kids and that's changed only very recently. i've been against my own children for varied reasons, most of which are fairly understandable, but slightly childish. and some are in place solely for comical purposes, to make people laugh. but most of those reasons that are kept to myself-and a few that aren't- are, when boiled down, the same thing: i'm scared. i love kids. i babysit all the time. but to have my own children? ha-ha...good one. very funny.
honestly, think about it: weather or not you're raising that kid with someone else, that child, that whole other person will depend entirely on you. the person that child will be after you're gone will be based almost entirely on you. wow. your quirks, your cute little habits...your mistakes....
but lately, i've been thinking, and now i really want to be a mother, fear or no.
but what if you don't make it that far? what if you... say... miscarry? there's nothing you can do about it, and you'd already have failed. what now? try again? lose all hope?
you know what? i still want to be a mom.

How do YOU Dream?

i never knew that there were settings for dreams; much less that they could be changed. i mean, i have always dreamt in color and sound. several of my friends have told me, however, that sometimes they dream in black and white, or in scilence. whoa. what are dreams, anyway? signs? warnings? retreats from the everyday natural? simply a collection of your last coherent thoughts that have been smooshed together and have become one in-coherent, fairy-tale, unrealistic, mental blog?
then what are nightmares? recently, i've compared nightmares to bd trips.(fom acid) eh.
tell me what you think. please.

nnnyeee! (aka "[suprise]")

i'm going to die.
so are you.
so will everyone we know;
the kids you babysit, your friends, your family, your boss, your co-workers,- everybody.

but, we already knew that. we are, afterall, human. we're mortal, but it takes awhile to realize it. so what? what does that mean? it means, you dink, that everthing you've ever done is die. you, me, all of humanity, will start to die, started dying the very nano-second you were conceived. huh.

i realize that this may make you feel... depressed... possibly worse, but don't feel that way.
(what's that phrase they use?) life goes on.